This coming Saturday was supposed to be my first baby shower. I would've been headed to Charlotte with my big belly to celebrate with family and friends. For some reason the "what-ifs" have been hitting a little more in the past few days. The "how it was supposed to be" has been on my mind more. And with that has brought some grieving, to be honest. I'm sad that I'm not pregnant anymore. I'm sad I'm not at home celebrating the joy of mommyhood with my family and friends. Not to knock Denver, but I'm sad I'm living here! And most of all, I'm sad I only see my sweet baby boy at short intervals during the day and then go home without him each night.
It's hard to capture the gamut of emotions I have felt this past 3 and a half weeks. The joy of seeing Harrison for the first time (even though I was heavily medicated and unrecognizably swollen from my surgery!) The agony of seeing him in his incubator for the first time and not knowing if he was going to be ok. The joy of seeing him open his eyes, look at me and stretch out his hands towards me (what a precious moment, I will never forget it!) But the heartache of seeing him stretching towards me and me having to look through a plastic incubator unable to pick him up. The joy of eventually getting to hold him and read books to him and sing to him. The sadness of that happening in a hospital rather than his little nursery at home. The encouragement of getting literally hundreds of cards and emails from all of you, all over the country. That has blessed us so much and caused me to cry many tears of joy (nice to be crying for a different reason at least!). Wrestling through moments of anger and confusion with the Lord (let's just be real!), but also having moments of experiencing His presence so closely and sweetly. So suffice it to say, this journey has in fact been quite a roller coaster.
In these recent days of thinking about how things were "supposed" to be, the Lord has reminded me that although I don't understand why the story is written like it is, this is how things are supposed to be. This has not taken the Lord by surprise, although it did surprise us. And that has begun to bring me comfort in the midst of this trial. Please continue to pray that Josh and I can rest in the fact that Jesus knows exactly what we are walking through, it doesn't take him by surprise, and he is walking right there with us, holding us by our right hand (Isaiah 41:13, a verse I have kept coming back to).
And please continue to pray for our sweet Harrison. Keep praying for his lungs to develop strong. He is on the CPAP and they have turned it up to a higher pressure to help him out more, so he doesn't have to work so hard. Pray he tolerates the CPAP well, as he has been doing so far. Pray for his lungs to expand and for breathing to become easier for him. And pray he keeps gaining weight quickly! One of our fav nurses, Al, said once babies reach 1 kilo (1000 grams) they often have a little growth spurt and their breathing begins to be easier. Well Harrison is at 950 grams right now, so pray he reaches this milestone soon.
We can't thank you enough for your prayers for us and our son! And with that, I return the blog to the care of Josh...