Baby Shower

Ok, I'm going to attempt to go back in time and update all the happenings I never wrote about. Hopefully in the next few weeks I'll get caught back up!

A few weeks ago my best buds threw me a shower. LOVE these girls- we all met in college, many of us in the same Bible study freshmen year. It was such a fun day of catching up with everyone and celebrating Harrison. This was the shower I blogged about missing in Colorado so it was such a sweet day to actually be there with everyone, in NC, with Harrison there and doing great. I was just overflowing with gratitude to the Lord for his faithfulness and to my friends for making us feel so loved. I didn't say it out loud at the shower (because the tears would've started flowing and never stopped!) but it was pretty amazing and humbling to look around and know that every single person in that room had faithfully prayed for Harrison those three months.

Here are some pics of the festivities! And you'll see some updated pics of Harrison, who is 7 months (4 months corrected) now!

Precious train theme to go with his nursery!

Lisa, Megan, Abby and Amanda

The shower-thrower extraordinaire with the man of the hour

Chillin with my aunt Mel

With my aunt Amanda (love his expression here)

Snuggling up with aunt Lauren

Look at this sweet thing I got to snuggle! My future daughter in law, Emory decked out in her red tutu and tights!

And my favorite pic, Harrison with his girlfriend (please excuse my overbite in the background)

Thanks girls for such a wonderful day. Thanks for all the planning, awesome food, sweet gifts and love you poured into that shower!

Ok, more updates to come soon! (including his other shower when I locate some pics of it, some video of him rolling over, tasting his first food, and just cute pics in general!)

finally an update!

Well seeing as how we haven't posted anything since NOVEMBER (oops!) thought we should get back on the blog train.

Part of me kept feeling hesitant to write the next blog post. We're back at home now, Harrison is doing great and the Colorado days are behind us now. I felt unsure as to how to write a summary post of all that has happened. Now that we've begun the chapter of being back at home and raising Harrison, how do I sum up all the feelings I had and still continue to wrestle through from the last 7 months of our lives? I think if I were to keep waiting to be able to summarize all that has happened and tie it up into a nice bow, I would never write on this blog again! As much as I want to close that hard chapter and move on, it will continue to be something we process for a long time to come I suppose.

So how are we doing these past few months? I think Josh said it best when he said a few weeks after being home that we are finally able to ENJOY parenthood. The majority of parenthood in the NICU was terrifying and sad, definitely with some joy thrown in, but scary alot of the time. Now that we are in our home with our boy and he's doing great, we have just been able to enjoy him. It has obviously felt amazing to be back home. For awhile it felt very surreal to actually be back. There were sooo many days in CO where I would daydream about being home with Harrison and feel like that day was never going to come. So to actually be living it has been wonderful.

I have been staying at home with Harrison, which has been really fun to be with him and watch him grow. We were advised not to take him out much, especially around large groups of people, until cold season is over in late March. So that has been trying at times to not feel stuck and isolated being home all day every day. But CO was definitely a perspective check so days when I feel isolated, I try to remember that at least we are HOME and he is here with us! Josh is back to work on campus and enjoying meeting with guys again, leading a Bible study and speaking at some meetings. As the dust has settled it seems like I have been able to begin processing what the Lord had us walk through in CO. (I was so overwhelmed and exhausted at the time, I don't think I did much but survive!) Pray for that though, it is still alot to process!

So, how is Harrison doing lately you may be wondering? He's doing great, all 10 lbs 10 oz of him! (and that was a week ago so I bet we're about to break the 11 lb mark!) He was weaned off the oxygen slowly and fully came off of it in November. He no longer has to see his pulmonologist because his lungs look great! He still meets every couple weeks with a physical therapist who comes over to the house. She just teaches us some exercises to do with him and helps us fix any minor things that may come up (i.e. he was favoring facing one direction with his head so we got that fixed through stretches and exercises).

About every other week we see his pediatrician, who we love, just to check his weight mainly. He had a follow up appt for his eyes when we got back to NC and they said his eyes look great and we wont have to go back again for that until May. He gets followed up with an Endocrinologist every few months to check his thyroid levels. You may remember that he left CO on thyroid medicine and he's still on that. But he's on a lower dose of that now which means his body is beginning to kick into gear and regulate it on its own! Praise God!!

So all in all, he is doing really great! He is a very happy baby and we've really enjoyed how much he smiles, giggles and makes noises lately. He loves being carried around in the Baby Bjorn carrier thingie (thanks Abe and Arian for passing that down to us!) and enjoys his swing that he got for Christmas (he usually can't resist it and falls asleep within a few minutes of being in it!) He's been sucking on his fingers alot lately and drooling a ton. The nurse told us it probably means he'll be teething before long. And just last week he rolled over for the first time- from his belly to his back. And then a few days later from his back to his tummy.

We can't believe it but our sweet boy will be 7 months at the end of the month (corrected age is 4 months though). What a big guy! We can't thank you enough for all your prayers for Little Man! Pics to come in another post soon!

The Gospel of Grace Demands More

I've been pretty pensive these past few weeks. I usually am pretty introverted and introspective. I think about myself too much I suppose. But I've had a lot to process and I've felt things more deeply than ever before.

I've seen in my life over the past decade as I've learned to walk with God that every season keeps demanding more faith. Transitioning from college to the work-world, finding myself in my 20's and trying lots of different roles and skills in ministry, being married, transitioning to a new geographical places, and now being a parent.

As I've processed the lordship of Christ, and wanting Jesus' worth to be preeminent in my life lots of areas are continually called into subjection of the gospel of grace. Am I walking in a manner worthy of the gospel. Does my life reflect this beauty? Is comfort or control too important to me?

These past 3 months have required more from me at times than I thought my heart could bear. As much as I want to be a father of a healthy son, this is not my ultimate hope. I have never wanted something so much. I have never prayed so hard. And yet again, the gospel of grace offers something more and something better. As I wondered what this outcome would be and sat in the middle of a balance between despair and hope, my heart had a ballast of an ultimate hope. Harrison would be okay no matter what because of a Better Father than me was holding him. And Christ did become a shield to my wondering, fearful heart. He wept with us in our uncertainty and fear in the hospital. But I believe he weeps even more over my sin that keeps me intimacy with him at bat. And he provides a way where my wondering heart does not have to wonder.

I wrote about this before but one of the early Sundays when we were broken over Harrison's condition and our lives were riddled with uncertainty I tasted of the benefits of the gospel as I had never before. As my heart broke over wanting to be Harrison's dad, and not knowing if that would be a reality in the future, my heart began to rest in the satisfaction of Christ. The feast where one day the love of this Better Father would be celebrated over a feast of his Son and His bridegroom. All wondering will cease. All striving for something better will be satisfied in this Person. And my heart began to rest and be satisfied in this hope of this great Christ.

I've walked beside enough older people to see that the challenges of life are many and are complicated and cause our hearts to be subject not to what we love but what God loves. This fallen world tastes bitter and hurts. I hope its not too soon to quote a Christmas song. But one of my seminary professors was right. Joy to the World is probably the most theologically driven and poignant hymn that displays Christ. The third stanza in particular I want to highlight because this is what I'm talking about. Every faith stretching event and crisis press us deeper into the reality of the story of the gospel of grace. Our identity is secured not in what we accomplish, but what Jesus accomplished for us. May our hope rest in this Person. And may the beauty of this hope rend our hearts from ourselves and call into further obedience that he demands from us.

Joy to the world, the Lord is come

Let earth receive her King

Let every heart prepare Him room

And heaven and nature sing

Joy to the earth, the Savior reigns

Let men their songs employ

While fields and floods

Rocks, hills and plains

Repeat the sounding joy

No more let sins and sorrows grow

Nor thorns infest the ground

He comes to make His blessing flow

Far as the curse is found

He rules the world with truth and grace

And makes the nations prove

The glories of His righteousness

And wonders of His love

Thank You

We send out a periodical newsletter to our supporters and friends who make our ministry possible with CRU at UNC-Chapel Hill. We call the ministry here Cornerstone. Here are our last few mailings to document the past 3 months.

We are thankful for so many wonderful people around us who have loved and supported us.

As we begin life out here as parents, it is hard to not remember all that was required to get us to this point. Thanks for being the hands and heartbeat of Christ to us as we have come through such a stressful season. We have felt so loved, connected and encouraged through your compassion and prayers.

August

September / October

Day 79- going home

We have felt a wide range of emotions today. Right now I'm so tired its all pretty numb. I've cried on about 5 or 6 occasions today. Mostly pure joy. I can remember days when we were driving into the crowded parking lot, riding a smelly elevator full of weird people, and walking down that hospital and deep down my heart just longed to be home, lying in a bed with my son and wife and being with them without any stress.

Oddly, today we were really sad for this chapter to be ending. We've met and been around some amazing people out here. The primary nurses that have been working consistently with Harrison have become very dear to our hearts. And we cried a lot as we said good bye. We are so grateful for their compassion and hard work to care for him and us so consistently. They have taught us everything to get us started and have been so encouraging. I have thought time and time again about Ps 78:72 as I have watched God provide through these nurses. A faithful heart and a skillful hand nurtured Harrison. And I am in debt to these miracle workers.

There is also one particular family we've gotten really tied to out here as well. Jeff and Kristen (a couple we met at church here) have opened up their home and lives to us. They have been such a bright spot in this season. Outside of the hospital and everything positive happening with Harrison they and the church we got connected to out here were more life giving to us than anything.

We are sad, we are excited and we are also pretty scared. Embarking on the journey of parenthood tomorrow. No more monitors, no more nurses, no one to rely on but our own intuition. Well people have been doing this for thousands of years and succeeded generation after generation with a lot less than we have. But this is still about the most intimidating thing I've ever done. As my brother Abe put it earlier today, we are walking the tight rope with no safety net.

Well Jesus has gotten us this far, and I don't think he is going anywhere.

Thank you for your prayers that have gotten us this far. The journey begins in a few hours.

Going home sometime soon...?

We have begun to have conversations with nurses and doctors regarding going home. The expectation all along is that we will be here thru his due date, October 24. If we get to go home before that it is only better. Sometime about a week ago an attending doctor instructed us to drive home and not fly. Primarily, for Harrison's sake due to cold and flu season being in effect since it will be late October. (Oct-Apr is cold/flu season, get your shot today.) As well, since we have our car out here and its an option we were told to just do that.

In order for Harrison to be able to leave he needs to be taking all his feeds orally (he is getting the rest through his feeding tube). He is currently somewhere around 65%. Once he gets to 100% feeds for a day or two they will put Harrison through a series of tests he needs to pass.

-He will need to do a room-air challenge. For 45 min his performance will be monitored without any O2 assistance. He will need to be able to maintain his O2 saturation at a certain level.

-He will have to pass a car seat challenge. He will need to tolerate sitting in a car seat for an extended period of time and his respiratory ability can't be impeded.

-He will need to be Brady free (Baby-apnea) for 5 days.

Mom and dad will have to pass a test too. We will need to watch Harrison in the hospital for 24 hours in a family room. The nurses will want to see that we will be capable to care for him, give him his meds/vitamins and feed him.

If all this goes successfully we will be discharged and on our OWN! We are pretty thrilled and pretty scared at the same time. With the best babysitters on the planet and 24 hour care and monitors letting us know exactly what is going on, it will be a stark contrast. Our first car trip with Little Man will be 1700 miles, a little daunting by our standards. So with all the anticipation and excitement comes some concern and anxiety. But I suppose every step of parenthood is a chaotic tandem of emotion.

Harrison continues to do really well. We found out earlier this week that the tiny holes in his heart are completely closed on their own. The PDA and VSD are done and we don't have to look back. He weighed about 4# 11oz last night. He is waking up on his own when he is hungry and telling us what he needs. He keeps maintaining his increasing feeds as he gains weight. And his lungs are doing awesome. He is periodically having Bradys but they are fewer and he is recovering faster from them.

The thought of saying good-bye to Harrison's primary nurses that we have developed a relationship with makes us sad. But one of the nurses said you are gonna walk in here and we will have to kick you out, so get ready! It's all up to Harrison, and it could sneak up on us faster than we are expecting. And the thought of home is a little more powerful than saying goodbye.

Ronald McDonald House

Several people have asked if we need anything. We really are in good shape in terms of food and gift cards. We have been directing people who ask toward our stay at the Ronald McDonald House. We need to pay $20/day for our time in the house. We have been blown away at the generosity of so many, and it's pretty hard to put this up. But if you would want to help in any form or fashion with that email me, joshua481@gmail.com and I can get you the details on how to make that happen.

As well, I would add if you mail anything after Oct 20, send it to our address in NC.

1005-G Kingswood Dr.

Chapel Hill, NC 27517

Prayers for us:

-Pray that Harrison or us don't get sick.

-Pray for all the details, with packing, becoming parents, traveling come together as we think through the transition.

-Pray for Harrison to continue to gain weight and get stronger everyday.

This whole experience has given us new perspectives on life. While we have been stressed out of our minds, and anxious beyond human recognition, at the same time, we have been overwhelmed by the love of Father and seen His care for us through skillful hands and gracious hearts of so many. Thank you for walking beside us in this season.

Stay tuned, cause the ride is just about to start!

josh

The Father's Voice

One of the most intimate moments we've had with Harrison time and time again is when he hears our voices and responds. From the beginning early on he obtained a recognition of our voice talking to him.

I still have a vivid memory when he had an infection and we couldn't touch him cause it wasn't his care time, but we scooted chairs up next to his isolate and just spoke to him, rooting him on, praying over him. And shortly after I began talking he opened his eyes and looked at me even through being tired and sick. This melted my heart as he responded to my voice. His heart rate lowered into a more relaxed state and his O2 saturation increased.

One of my favorite moments is being able to hold him to my chest. He hears my heartbeat and I can only imagine how loud my voice sounds like as I hum songs to him. He gets so happy being right there hearing my voice and is so comfortable.

The floodgates of metaphors of God the Father loving us have blown open since Harrison has been born. I see this love in HD in new ways now that I am a dad. But this metaphor of the Father's voice has been very consistent to me over the past few weeks as we've walked through this with Harrison.

God's Word has been a source of life to us. It has been a ballast to my soul and reminded me what is true as waves of life have crashed against us. And caused us to treasure Christ more as we enjoy the sweet benefits of the gospel.

I share what is below as a bit of praying that I do occasionally. There are so many things that vie for our attention in any given day, many of them are good things. Sleep and SportsCenter are pretty constant distractions in my own life.

So I find myself praying through these verses for my own heart that I would be intentional and pursue the Father's voice. I am straight high-jacking this from John Piper's ministry. It is a useful acrostic he created to think through and just pray out loud in my own life. I've past it along to others I've worked with in discipleship.

I,O,U,S

I- Incline

Incline my heart to your statues and testimonies and not to selfish gain. Ps. 119:36

O- Open

Open my eyes that I may behold wondrous things out of your law. Ps 119:18

U- Unite

Teach me your way, O Lord, that I may walk in your truth; unite my heart to fear your name. Ps 86:11

S- Satisfy

Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love that we may rejoice and be glad all our days. Ps 90:14

May the Spirit cultivate in us a healthy desire for the Father's voice, and would we listen and be satisfied in its promises that are true.

josh